Logan who?
by JoJo1
Summary: The Wolverine is missing. Scott is looking for him and wackiness ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't believe in capitalism. Some people beg to differ but they're clearly delusional.  
**Archive:** Ask first and I'll say yes.  
**Feedback:** If you're so inclined.  
**Author's notes:** Sillyfic ahoy! Sort of an answer to that Galaxy Quest challenge. You'll see what I mean. And some (okay, lots) of Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy thrown in for good measure.  


_*is thoughts*_  


* * *

**Somewhere in Australia**  
Scott Summers is on a mission. Logan, AKA the Wolverine, is missing and has been for several months. 

Scott's at a loss as to why it has taken Charles so long to pinpoint his location, or even why he bothered to try in the first place. It's not like they need a psychopathic, blood-thirsty, berzerking Canadian with adamantium claws on the team. Nope, no vacancy there so why was he here in some Australian suburb looking for him? And what would a bar-brawling cage-fighter do where there's no seedy bars in the first place? 

Nothing as far as Scott could see, which left him with two options as why he was really there. Either Cerebro was mistaken yet again (hopefully less a grave a mistake since it fucked up the last time - finding Sabretooth where you thought a scared ten year old would be is something you don't want to experience twice. Come to think of it, not even once) or Charles had finally cracked. 

He was about to find out since he was now standing outside his target, the presumed home of the Wolverine. He didn't recognize the name on the mailbox though so he assumed Logan had taken on a new alias. He knocked on the door and waited and soon enough the door opened and a man asked "Yes?" in a curious voice. 

Scott was in shock, almost the picture of the infamous jawdrop really. It both was Logan and it wasn't that was standing before him. The man had the same build and the same voice but the "I don't give a shit" look was missing together with the sideburns and the unruly hair. Oh well. Couldn't hurt to ask could it? 

"Logan?"   
"No, you've got the wrong guy. Sorry."   
"You sound and look like him. Don't you remember me? Scott Summers? You used to call me a dick."   
"Well, my name's not Logan. I used to play a guy with that name once though, in a couple of movies about the X-men."   
"Movies?"   
"Yes. I'm an actor. The name's Hugh Jackman and it's nice to meet you even though we've never met before."   
"I'm a member of the X-men! Who made a movie about us? And when?" 

At that Mr Jackman laughs out loud, making Scott look very pissed off indeed. No one laughs at the Fearless Leader and gets away with it! 


	2. Chapter 2

Scott's fuming over being laughed in the face about something as important as getting the Wolverine back to the mansion! By the Wolverine himself no less! He doesn't understand why Logan's insisting that his name's Hugh Jackman though but logically assumes that he's lost even more of his so-called memory. Maybe he got hit over the head with tree-trunks and cagefighter's fists too many times. 

Anyhow, he lost his temper and decided that "Hey, that's it. The kid-gloves are off" and promptly fires his optic blast right infront of "Hugh"'s feet. The man jumps back in shock and almost falls over with a look of pure shock on his face. 

"How did you do that?" he asks disbelivingly with so much sincerity that Scott now is thoroughly convinced that Logan wasn't just trying to pull his leg. Something fishy is definately going on.   
"I told you. I am a member of the X-men and doing stuff like that is who we are. Now, I am not entirely sure of what's going on here but you're important to us" * I can't believe I just said that * "so will you come with me so we can try to find out what's going on?"   
"No way! I don't know you and will not leave with some weirdo with delusions of grandeur that" 

He doesn't get any further than that before a ear-piercing noise can be heard from above. The both of them looks up towards the noise and see a very large and very ugly spaceship hoovering above their heads. Scott looks like the school-book example of jaw-drop and doesn't see that Hugh/Logan doesn't look shocked at all. He looks petrified. "No, no." he says, which makes Scott notice it. "No what?"   
"Anything but the Vogon's! Why did it have to be the Vogon's!?!?"   
"Who are the Vogons??"   
"An incredibly evil race of aliens! The U.S. senate is the best equivalent here on earth!" 

Scott pales at that, just seconds before Hugh/Logan grabs his hands with his right hand. In his left his holding a strange gadget.   
"What's that?"   
"An electronic thumb. Just wait a few secs. I need to hear what the Vogon's have to say. My bet is that the world is about to end." 

* This must be a Thursday. I never got the hang of those * 

The noise gets louder and a voice can be heard from above and in every radio, TV-set, hi-fi equipment and loudspeaker on the planet. 

"Greetings earthlings! This is Protetnic Vogon Jeltz from the Galactic Planning Council. You are no doubt aware that the plans for this part of the galaxy requires the construction of a intergalactic highway through your solarsystem. Unfortunately your planet is in its way so it has to be demolished. This process will take less than 2 minutes. Thank you for your time." 

Then there was silence and Scotts face grew even paler. Then the voice started again and apparently someone had been able to contact the Vogon's as the voice said 

"It's no use playing surprised. All plans and decisions has been available at the local office at Alpha Centauri for the last 50 years so you have had plenty of time to file an appeal! 

What do you mean? Never been to Alpha Centauri? It's only four light years away, for pity's sake! I'm sorry but if you can't react when it comes to local news and concerns, it's your own damn fault. One minute to go. Over and out." 

Logan/Hugh pressed a red button on the "electronic thumb" and the light around him and Scott started to glow and the two of them slowly started to dissolve. Just in time too since when they had disappeared entirely a energy burst was released from the Vogon ship and the earth was no more. 

Several hours later Scott awoke in a very dark room. All he could see was Logan leaning against a wall and all he could feel was an enormous hunger. Hugh/Logan saw that he was awake and came over, stuffing his mouth full of peanuts. "Eat those" he said. "It's the best antidote there is for teleportation induced fatigue."   
* Okay, okay. I'm somewhere with a lunatic * Scott thought which is the only reason he ate the vile-tasting peanuts.   
"Okay, so where are we?"   
"In the cargo-hold of the Vogon spaceship."   
"Is that good or bad?"   
"It means we live. If they find us however..." 

Scott didn't answer that at first. He was more curios how they had got there, assuming Logan was telling the truth. "How did we get here?"   
"With the electronic thumb. A godsend for hitchhikers. The Vogon's didn't let us on but their slaves did. Not out of pity but to annoy the Vogons".   
"So what will happen if we're found out?"   
"Most likely we will be thrown out into space with no spacesuits. If we're lucky."   
"And if we're not?"   
"Then we will have to endure Vogon poetry first."   
"That's it! I'm going insane here! This isn't happening to me!"   
"Trust me. It is."   
"So the earth is really gone?"   
"Yes. No big loss though."   
"What??!?"   
"A rather boring planet. I should know, I've been trapped here for 15 years."   
"Why?"   
"I was sent here to write a review for a book but when I was going home, I found out that no spaceships were coming through this godforsaken part of the known universe. Talk about rotten luck!" 

Scotts brain was revolting against all this new information and he was feeling kinda dizzy. All he could get out of his mouth was a slurred "book?" 

"Yes. The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. The best book there is" Logan said as he tossed a copy over to Scott. 

Scott took a look at it. An electronic book of some sort with the words "Don't panic" written on the cover. He quickly figured out how to work it and found out it was a sort of travelling guide. He looked up the word "Earth in it and saw that the entire planet was summarized in one word "Harmless".   
"Is that it? That's your whole review?"   
"Nope. It was edited some. My version was longer."   
"What was it?"   
"Mostly harmless" Logan said with a shrug. 

They were interupted by the ship's intercom going off and a voice was saying 

"Bleh osidpm saldpas sdpoaspod äösdåasdp" 

"What's he saying?" Scott asked Logan. 

Logan didn't answer but took something out of his pocket. A fish. A fish that he promptly put into Scott's ear.   
"What the fuck are you" Scott started to say before he realized he now understood the voice. 

"Guards! Go down to cargo-hold 5 and fetch the stowaways!" 

Scott almost paniced when he heard that but Logan didn't. He just said 

"Don't panic!" 


	3. Chapter 3

Scott and Logan/Hugh were mercilessly being dragged down the corridors of this huge spacecraft. A spacecraft being used by some very weird looking aliens at that. Human-looking but it was almost like they were wearing their skin like a suit Scott thought before deciding he was just delerious. 

*None of this is happening to me. It isn't. I'm in bed at home, next to Jean. I will get up at 6 to prepare for class* 

He kept repeating that to himself, like a mantra. A malfunctioning mantra but at this point he would settle for anything that would change his situation even slightly. 

Which came soon enough when the two of them were thrown into the cabin of the captain. A captain that looked even weirder than his (or was it a her? Impossible to say) staff. It almost looked like an overgrown fly save the wings. 

*There's something peculiar going on here. I could swear that I recognize some of what's going on here* 

Scott didn't have time to think any further on it before the fly morphed into another soldier, saying "My name is Mathesaar. I'm sorry but the two of you will have to die." 

Scott had no real wish to die, not until he had figured out what was really going on and why everything felt so similar despite its insanity at least. 

He opened his visor and knocked Mathesaar out of commission and he and Hugh/Logan made a run for it. The latter complaining loudly over how impossible it would be for them to get anywhere like this. The complaints became less vocal when Scott's training managed to secure a couple of guns for them so the odds evened out a little. 

Not much but at least it changed from one-ship-against-two-unarmed- humans to one-ship-against-two-armed-humans. That in itself made Scott convinced that it really was Logan there and not some pansy actor. The actor would have paniced regardless of how well-armed he was. 

They fought bravely but against such odds even the best warriors that were ever born faces certain defeat. Logan was at one time shot through the arm and his healing-factor could for some reason not cope with the wound so he ripped off his shirt and tied it around his arm to stop the bleeding. The defeat kept coming closer and they were slowly but surely pushed into a small room. 

An airlock. That's opening and none of them's wearing some kind of spacesuit or anything like it. That's certain death if there ever was one. 

"Okay, okay" Scott blurts out, the truth dawning on him. "Jean, this isn't funny anymore. It never was but give it up now! I promise to never tease you about your choice in movies and books again!" 

The room slowly dissolves around him and Logan and when the world's in focus again, they can see Jean before them laughing like a maniac. 

"Come on Scott, sweetie. Wasn't it funny? And it taught you how to trust Logan too. Hey, Logan. Even in dreams you manage to lose your shirt I see." 

Logan just rolls his eyes at the last comment before looking over to Scott. 

They just looks at eachother wondering if she's mental or not. They haven't learned anything from this except to not trust what their eyes and minds tell 'em too. 

They look at eachother again and nods before running after Jean. She saw it coming beforehand though and keeps away from them very easily indeed while she's running down the corridor, laughing. 

--FIN 


End file.
